The Corridor

each week I walk the corridor

in my disguise

sharp flashes of terror

frustrated cries

of the unheard

unheard and 

misunderstood

once bright minds 

and sound hearts

alive

now deaf

dumb

and blind

damn deceptive choice! 

how could a self-destructive mind know

that to come up for air

is to lose its voice?

lured into fabricated despair

spinning webs of delusion 

a broken spirit in need of repair

on the dotted

line separating body

and mind

signed

stamped 

sealed

a word or two or three

etched into their very beings

random scientific classification

labelled for mere identification 

empty, numb, vessels

doped up on medication 

she’s “sick”, they say

to eliminate all expectation 

yesterday

I walked the corridor

in my disguise

confidence carefully applied

painted on

like the blackened lashes

shadowing my eyes

eyes following the echo

 of my heels that strike

striking resemblance

between me 

and the woman on the inside

don’t dare look back 

head high

pace brisk

a single wrong move 

could reveal the falseness

shrouded in my imaginary suit and tie

the show must go on 

to prove I’m alive

surge ahead 

fixated on the sign

dictating to me 

a disease that does define

who I am 

who I will never be

unless 

I make the choice 

to set my voice free

I?

I can’t be here

a voice inside denies

I walk by

she smiles 

a sympathetic smile

barely raising her eyes 

from the stacked pile

the stacked pile of random diagnoses

a haphazard list of convenient prognoses

ghosts 

without names 

without goals

without hope

waiting in rows 

to get refills for their dope

have their souls undressed

have their minds possessed

come back next week 

to be reassessed

I sit next to a man 

he stares down at this feet

too lost in deception to meet

my eyes 

as they search for his soul

its too late

just a dark 

empty

hole 

he took their bait

he swallowed their hook 

now stuck deep in his throat

each attempt to set himself free 

lodges it deeper

in me

in you

in every man 

and every woman 

that chooses not to speak 

from behind glass

protected   

she calls out

to 

me

ironically

with the name

my mother gave me

the moment I was free

I died

Jen  ...  ni  ...  fer

each syllable

of my name

 stings

tears away at my flesh

with a deafening ring

Don’t know me this way!

Don’t you dare call out to me!

I refuse to give in!

I will set myself free!

from your labels

from your drugs

from your stale sympathy

you have no clue who I am 

and who 

I 

will

be!

today

I walked the corridor 

without my disguise

the shame

anger 

and fear 

hung next to the lies

in the closet of my past 

my past is 

and always will be 

a real part of me

I won’t run

I won’t hide

I will allow myself to heal

to feel

the pain

that stains 

an innocence

lost in vain

it

 is

time

to let go

 of the blame

to remember the darkness

but not let it win

consume

or weaken my will

within 

within

me is a flame

passed on

from those I let in

a flame of passion 

and hope

of love 

and trust

a renewed Trust in the One

the One

with Whose love I am blessed

Today 

as I walk out 

of the corridor

I give thanks 

for the darkness 

that has set me free

for a deadly struggle

that forced me to see

Truth as True

my life as a lie

shake the Etchesketch 

learn once again how to fly