Solitude

When logic and rationale are out of reach all I have left to run to are fantasy and make-believe.

I want to believe. 

I want to believe that its okay to deceive myself 

so I can be myself

free myself from critical eyes that burn

and dressed up lies that churn

bile into chaos I simply cannot digest

I confess.

I am drowning in unrelenting waves of my own demise

Suffocating in inhibiting layers of disguise.

Unable to look into the glass and not despise

the shattered woman on the other side

where cries go unheard and dreams seem absurd.

Remind me once more for what reason was I lured

into this fabricated world of illusions.

I whisper one wish for a single moment of stillness; 

one renewing breath of hope to ward off the unrest. 

Quiet.  

Just enough space to feel my chest violently expand and then slowly release into a brand new will. 

And almost enough blood rushing to my limbs to fill

A void unknown to those who share my space. 

Fleeting seconds tick to the beat of my corroded heart, 

laced with anger, resentment and shame.

Yet despite my silent pleas, the war inside my head plays out its fate just the same. 

The vicious battle between madness and sanity, 

creating deafening funnels of fear sadly mistaken for vanity.

And no matter the outcome, the devastation is already done. 

The damage is too wide spread. 

The lieutenant’s dead. 

Too many casualties to count. 

So I just close my eyes and cry myself to sleep instead.

Relationships tainted.

Disappointment painted on the faces of lovers and friends. 

Friends tired and worn to the breaking point. 

The point of no return. 

Don’t they see there is no return?

I have no choice but to continue to tread through taxed terrain. 

Pity-poisoned smiles, 

and though lips refrain from speaking guile,  there is no doubt. 

We can never go back. 

Am I the only one who doesn't feel exasperated by the constant skipping of the track? 

Self soothing with comforting pain. 

Unaware of the strain. 

Call it delusion, hallucination or self deception. 

Who in their "right mind" wants to believe they’re watching the show 

through a lens of deception?

There’s no way to smooth out warped perception? 

There’s no exception 

to the rule that states

every mind, body and soul has the right to an escape. 

This is all I know to keep me insane enough to feel sane.

Its all the same.

Same stories

Same dreams

Same rhymes.

Retold to the same lifeless beat each and ever time.

I’m afraid its all I’ve got right now.

And with nothing more than desperate need to feed this withering spirit, I’ll say it again and again. 

Foolishly anticipating a different end.

Naively waiting for just one true friend

to mend,

to tend to these wounds of war with compassionate ears and loving lips.

To brush away one tear with non judging fingertips.

To defend my truth.

A truth that, no matter how extreme the strain, will never bend

Its the one thing that remains 

in this playground of childish games 

and pretend. 

It does transcend this adolescent ache

Keeping constant when visions vacillate 

between certainty and doubt

Don’t you see? 

I’ve been waiting all this time for someone else to come along and set me free. 

After a while, when you’re in the woods you can no longer see the trees. 

So I wait. 

For someone else to make my choice. 

For someone else to breathe live into my silenced voice. 

Thoughts race out of control, yielding unripened fruit. 

Leaving battered souls and dangerous holes

Spinning in circles as the shaken die rolls 

and falls

and lands on one side.

Revealing fate.

My lifeboat begins to deflate. 

And only in these moments of madness are my thoughts really mine.

No longer yours to define.

I lie

Curled tight in a ball 

waiting for a miracle to break my fall. 

Paralyzed by fear. 

Praying daybreak is near. 

Screaming silently 
frantically trying to steer myself out of this storm

Its clear 
that I may never find my way home. 

Finally realizing I need to learn to be alone; 

That the kind of healing I seek to find will only come from peace of mind

from within. 

in solitude. 

So please forgive me if I come across as rude. 

I don't mean to shut you out but, for the first time, you are not what this is about. 

I take my leave into seclusion.  

There within lies no confusion. 

Standing in the Sun

connecting the dots of days gone past 

scattered memories stand in line

distorted shadows linger behind

behind me is where I hide

in a tiny room

in a tiny box

with a pen and sheet

scratching out words that lied

lies telling tales of dangerous dreams

I dream of the day I will awake

from clouds of hate

into rays of now

now 

I am standing in the sun

terrified to move

taunted by whispers of soft curls and playful giggles

fragile bubbles blown through a smooth pink wand

I am standing in the sun

somewhere between safe and soiled 

visions coiled in dark knots

shine! 

I shout 

no sound comes out

shine! 

my soul pleads

my unhealed wounds tear

bleed

shine! 

through the invisible spaces

find

the loops

the holes

a way out

I am standing in the sun

tense

tired 

afraid

to let unfamiliar warmth penetrate my shell

afraid

to tell

of secrets holding me my by the throat

I navigate my aging hands through magical specs

specs of hope that dance cautiously in the light 

in their freedom I delight

for a single moment I wipe

away 

my tears

I draw draw near 

to the young girl who appears

in the darkness of the night

I am standing in the sun

I open my eyes 

hold out my hand

to catch the falling flakes of snow that shatter my assumptions

I close my hand and clench

my fist with all my will

still.

silent.

each snowflake melts away in me

from me

fears 

run clear 

through my intense grip

Take hold! I demand

Take hold!

I am standing in the sun

no longer looking for a place to run

freeing my mind from a magnificent obsession

alone in me

I am beginning 

to see

the light

The Corridor

each week I walk the corridor

in my disguise

sharp flashes of terror

frustrated cries

of the unheard

unheard and 

misunderstood

once bright minds 

and sound hearts

alive

now deaf

dumb

and blind

damn deceptive choice! 

how could a self-destructive mind know

that to come up for air

is to lose its voice?

lured into fabricated despair

spinning webs of delusion 

a broken spirit in need of repair

on the dotted

line separating body

and mind

signed

stamped 

sealed

a word or two or three

etched into their very beings

random scientific classification

labelled for mere identification 

empty, numb, vessels

doped up on medication 

she’s “sick”, they say

to eliminate all expectation 

yesterday

I walked the corridor

in my disguise

confidence carefully applied

painted on

like the blackened lashes

shadowing my eyes

eyes following the echo

 of my heels that strike

striking resemblance

between me 

and the woman on the inside

don’t dare look back 

head high

pace brisk

a single wrong move 

could reveal the falseness

shrouded in my imaginary suit and tie

the show must go on 

to prove I’m alive

surge ahead 

fixated on the sign

dictating to me 

a disease that does define

who I am 

who I will never be

unless 

I make the choice 

to set my voice free

I?

I can’t be here

a voice inside denies

I walk by

she smiles 

a sympathetic smile

barely raising her eyes 

from the stacked pile

the stacked pile of random diagnoses

a haphazard list of convenient prognoses

ghosts 

without names 

without goals

without hope

waiting in rows 

to get refills for their dope

have their souls undressed

have their minds possessed

come back next week 

to be reassessed

I sit next to a man 

he stares down at this feet

too lost in deception to meet

my eyes 

as they search for his soul

its too late

just a dark 

empty

hole 

he took their bait

he swallowed their hook 

now stuck deep in his throat

each attempt to set himself free 

lodges it deeper

in me

in you

in every man 

and every woman 

that chooses not to speak 

from behind glass

protected   

she calls out

to 

me

ironically

with the name

my mother gave me

the moment I was free

I died

Jen  ...  ni  ...  fer

each syllable

of my name

 stings

tears away at my flesh

with a deafening ring

Don’t know me this way!

Don’t you dare call out to me!

I refuse to give in!

I will set myself free!

from your labels

from your drugs

from your stale sympathy

you have no clue who I am 

and who 

I 

will

be!

today

I walked the corridor 

without my disguise

the shame

anger 

and fear 

hung next to the lies

in the closet of my past 

my past is 

and always will be 

a real part of me

I won’t run

I won’t hide

I will allow myself to heal

to feel

the pain

that stains 

an innocence

lost in vain

it

 is

time

to let go

 of the blame

to remember the darkness

but not let it win

consume

or weaken my will

within 

within

me is a flame

passed on

from those I let in

a flame of passion 

and hope

of love 

and trust

a renewed Trust in the One

the One

with Whose love I am blessed

Today 

as I walk out 

of the corridor

I give thanks 

for the darkness 

that has set me free

for a deadly struggle

that forced me to see

Truth as True

my life as a lie

shake the Etchesketch 

learn once again how to fly