Solitude

When logic and rationale are out of reach all I have left to run to are fantasy and make-believe.

I want to believe. 

I want to believe that its okay to deceive myself 

so I can be myself

free myself from critical eyes that burn

and dressed up lies that churn

bile into chaos I simply cannot digest

I confess.

I am drowning in unrelenting waves of my own demise

Suffocating in inhibiting layers of disguise.

Unable to look into the glass and not despise

the shattered woman on the other side

where cries go unheard and dreams seem absurd.

Remind me once more for what reason was I lured

into this fabricated world of illusions.

I whisper one wish for a single moment of stillness; 

one renewing breath of hope to ward off the unrest. 

Quiet.  

Just enough space to feel my chest violently expand and then slowly release into a brand new will. 

And almost enough blood rushing to my limbs to fill

A void unknown to those who share my space. 

Fleeting seconds tick to the beat of my corroded heart, 

laced with anger, resentment and shame.

Yet despite my silent pleas, the war inside my head plays out its fate just the same. 

The vicious battle between madness and sanity, 

creating deafening funnels of fear sadly mistaken for vanity.

And no matter the outcome, the devastation is already done. 

The damage is too wide spread. 

The lieutenant’s dead. 

Too many casualties to count. 

So I just close my eyes and cry myself to sleep instead.

Relationships tainted.

Disappointment painted on the faces of lovers and friends. 

Friends tired and worn to the breaking point. 

The point of no return. 

Don’t they see there is no return?

I have no choice but to continue to tread through taxed terrain. 

Pity-poisoned smiles, 

and though lips refrain from speaking guile,  there is no doubt. 

We can never go back. 

Am I the only one who doesn't feel exasperated by the constant skipping of the track? 

Self soothing with comforting pain. 

Unaware of the strain. 

Call it delusion, hallucination or self deception. 

Who in their "right mind" wants to believe they’re watching the show 

through a lens of deception?

There’s no way to smooth out warped perception? 

There’s no exception 

to the rule that states

every mind, body and soul has the right to an escape. 

This is all I know to keep me insane enough to feel sane.

Its all the same.

Same stories

Same dreams

Same rhymes.

Retold to the same lifeless beat each and ever time.

I’m afraid its all I’ve got right now.

And with nothing more than desperate need to feed this withering spirit, I’ll say it again and again. 

Foolishly anticipating a different end.

Naively waiting for just one true friend

to mend,

to tend to these wounds of war with compassionate ears and loving lips.

To brush away one tear with non judging fingertips.

To defend my truth.

A truth that, no matter how extreme the strain, will never bend

Its the one thing that remains 

in this playground of childish games 

and pretend. 

It does transcend this adolescent ache

Keeping constant when visions vacillate 

between certainty and doubt

Don’t you see? 

I’ve been waiting all this time for someone else to come along and set me free. 

After a while, when you’re in the woods you can no longer see the trees. 

So I wait. 

For someone else to make my choice. 

For someone else to breathe live into my silenced voice. 

Thoughts race out of control, yielding unripened fruit. 

Leaving battered souls and dangerous holes

Spinning in circles as the shaken die rolls 

and falls

and lands on one side.

Revealing fate.

My lifeboat begins to deflate. 

And only in these moments of madness are my thoughts really mine.

No longer yours to define.

I lie

Curled tight in a ball 

waiting for a miracle to break my fall. 

Paralyzed by fear. 

Praying daybreak is near. 

Screaming silently 
frantically trying to steer myself out of this storm

Its clear 
that I may never find my way home. 

Finally realizing I need to learn to be alone; 

That the kind of healing I seek to find will only come from peace of mind

from within. 

in solitude. 

So please forgive me if I come across as rude. 

I don't mean to shut you out but, for the first time, you are not what this is about. 

I take my leave into seclusion.  

There within lies no confusion.