Standing in the Sun

connecting the dots of days gone past 

scattered memories stand in line

distorted shadows linger behind

behind me is where I hide

in a tiny room

in a tiny box

with a pen and sheet

scratching out words that lied

lies telling tales of dangerous dreams

I dream of the day I will awake

from clouds of hate

into rays of now

now 

I am standing in the sun

terrified to move

taunted by whispers of soft curls and playful giggles

fragile bubbles blown through a smooth pink wand

I am standing in the sun

somewhere between safe and soiled 

visions coiled in dark knots

shine! 

I shout 

no sound comes out

shine! 

my soul pleads

my unhealed wounds tear

bleed

shine! 

through the invisible spaces

find

the loops

the holes

a way out

I am standing in the sun

tense

tired 

afraid

to let unfamiliar warmth penetrate my shell

afraid

to tell

of secrets holding me my by the throat

I navigate my aging hands through magical specs

specs of hope that dance cautiously in the light 

in their freedom I delight

for a single moment I wipe

away 

my tears

I draw draw near 

to the young girl who appears

in the darkness of the night

I am standing in the sun

I open my eyes 

hold out my hand

to catch the falling flakes of snow that shatter my assumptions

I close my hand and clench

my fist with all my will

still.

silent.

each snowflake melts away in me

from me

fears 

run clear 

through my intense grip

Take hold! I demand

Take hold!

I am standing in the sun

no longer looking for a place to run

freeing my mind from a magnificent obsession

alone in me

I am beginning 

to see

the light